I wonder to myself how people see my life. I wonder if they judge me as a parent. As a human being. I simultaneously wonder and I don’t care. Those who know me don’t judge they just let me be me. Thank God.

But what I also wonder is if people judge their own lives through the eyes of others. I wonder if they take a look at the choices they make and are influenced by what they see others do. I see people making choices that I would never make and I do judge them. I wonder what the heck are they thinking ? Can’t they see what they are doing is a bad choice ? Then I chastise myself as being judgemental but still the thought persists… how do they see themselves ? How do they judge their own actions?

I occasionally try to look at my life through someone else’s eyes. I try to see what someone else might see if they looked at how I parent, how I live, the choices that I make. I compare what I have done for my son to what I could have done and what someone else has been able to do. I minimize what I have done for my son and think only of what I could have done or should have done. I don’t see what I have done as other people’s eyes might do. Occasionally I wish for someone else’s eyes so that I could truly see me. So that I could truly appreciate the skills that I have, the things that I have accomplished, the strides I have helped my son take and the life that I have chosen to lead.

We spent time today with friends and learned things about people we know that were shocking. Things I never would have suspected given that they have children. Things I never would even consider doing as I have children. I wonder if they could see their life through someone else’s eyes, would they make the same choices. If they had that chance to see what they are doing, would they change ?

Reality TV is a chance to look at life through someone else’s eyes. Not Survivor or that stupid Paris Hilton crap but things like Jon and Kate make 8 or Little People Big World. I’ve recently begun to watch You are What you Eat and Looking Good Naked. All of these shows provide an insight in to how people live their lives. They have all kinds of eyes watching them. It gives me a chance to evaluate how I see myself and how my choices may affect the way my life might turn out. I find it very interesting to get this voyeuristic opportunity. I alternately get to feel better about myself and judge myself more harshly. Overall I find it comforting to know that we are all trying to do the best we can with what we’ve got. After all, when we look in the mirror it is our own eyes looking back to judge us. And that can be the most challenging type of reality of all.

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