Lately this blog has turned more into a venue for personal reflection than about my A Child but I have stuff on him too. Right now it’s about me.

Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to go through a mid-life crisis ? I’m not sure what freaks me out more. The thought of having the crisis or accepting that I’m approaching middle age. I mean 40 would essentially be middle age and that is only next year so I’m not too far off the mark.

Lately I have been wondering what can I do to change my life ? I don’t mean dramatically although if the 649 happened to pay out I wouldn’t say no to a new house. What I mean is, how can I make it better ? Not just for me but my family. I’ve been throwing around career ideas mainly. The rest of my life I like. I am creative and have an outlet for that with my cakes and garden. I am contemplative and have an outlet for that with my books and friends. I tend to be more of a chief than indian and I have an outlet for that with Guides. Thank God for 9-11 year olds who still listen and a team that tolerates me !

I have many facets of my personality that I have outlets for except for work. I am trapped in plebian jobs that lead essentially no where. I don’t tend to climb ladders or get promoted. I tend to buck the system and remain a staunchly independent thinker which does not usually fit well in the corporate mould. Right now I am in what is possibly the best job I’ve ever had. I work for Girl Guides of Canada and I love it. I love working for a company that I can share the same values and goals with. I love working with people who share ideas and creative processes. I love that we are challenged to think outside the box. I love that we are valued as people for the support we provide to Guiders and girls. I love knowing that I am part of an organization which has delivered quality program and activities for close to 100 years. That is mind blowing. 100 years !

What I don’t love is the money. It is becoming about the money for me. I need to find a way to be true to myself but make more money. I cannot sell out. I cannot stand up for a product or service that I don’t believe in. It destroys me when I try. This job lifts me up and I can hold my head high. What it’s not lifting is my income bracket.

Hence my dilemma. Do I sacrifice this amazing opportunity to help provide fantastic program to girls in a world gone image and consumer crazy ? Do I give up on working for the greater good and go for the greater paycheque ? Isn’t there a way to have both ? I am frozen in indecision. I am caught between the ideals I can live with and the money I can’t live on. When my husband gets back on his feet, these thoughts may abate. He will make fantastic money once he gets his ticket. I can’t wait! However, it gets me to thinking – maybe I need to find a ticket. Maybe I need to find a way to do both. Is there a way to keep my job that I love and make the money I need to live on ?

Maybe the challenge is for me to believe in myself as much as I believe in my job. Maybe the challenge is to know that I am capable of more. Maybe the challenge is to take a chance on something I’ve been trying to do for a long time but have been afraid. Maybe it’s time to give this writing thing a shot in the real world and not just cyberspace. Maybe – but what’s a woman to do ?

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